PTM 87

Chapter 87: Selfish Heart Riddled with Holes

After the gunshot, I thought it would all be over.

But no.

The pain subsided, and my body vanished. Weight, temperature, touch… all physical sensations related to “being alive” were completely erased after that deafening bang. Only a wisp of light, shapeless consciousness remained, suspended in the endless void.

I don’t know why I’m still here.

The instant the bullet pierced my heart, I felt that piece of flesh, clinging to life, shatter into pieces. I died. Yet, like a wisp of smoke scattered by the wind and then gathering again, something forced me to remain in this world.

The ruined Baiyujing lay under the moonlight, its charred remains and bloodstains a stark reminder of its state. Suddenly, a huge bird spread its wings and flew past me. It landed on a withered tree stump in front of me.

Upon closer inspection, I realized it was actually a three-legged crow.

It was very big, almost the size of a bald eagle, with dark feathers that shimmered with iridescent metallic luster, eyes like two burning amber pieces, and three sharp, glossy claws.

It stared at me for a moment, then flapped its wings and flew away into the distance.

I followed without thinking, and as soon as I took a step, something magical happened—day and night began to race by, as if time had been fast-forwarded.

With each step, the surrounding scenery changed.

As the embers gradually died down, the ruins were demolished and rebuilt, and brand-new buildings rose from the original sites. The bloodstains on the streets were washed away by rain after rain, then covered by newly paved stone slabs, and finally trampled by countless feet of unknown origin, completely erasing the traces of war.

I saw Ye Shuer standing in front of a brand-new, magnificent assembly hall, cutting a red ribbon. Behind him, a metal plaque read “Wo United Provisional Government”.

He had matured a bit, with fine lines around his eyes, but his gaze remained as resolute as it was when he was 20.

He did it.

After my death, he did not break down, nor did he retreat and run away like a coward. Instead, he took on the heavy burden I left behind and built a brand new world brick by brick on this land licked by the flames of war.

A black feather drifted down, and I looked up to see the three-legged crow perched on the roof of the council hall. It tilted its head and coldly looked down at the cheering crowd in the square.

As our eyes met, the surroundings changed once more.

Schools, which had been closed, reopened their doors, and brown-haired, red-eyed children of Wo and silver-haired, blue-eyed children of Read onPenglai sat in the same spacious classroom, arguing over the same math problem.

In the mines of the Wo Province, automated mining equipment had replaced manual labor. Miners, dressed in clean and uniform work clothes, leisurely drank coffee and operated the machines in the control room on the surface.

In front of Baiyujing’s ancient royal palace, a white memorial had been erected. No one’s name was recorded on the monument, only a line of small characters engraved on the base: “In memory of those who died in the war.”

The three-legged crow flew over the monument, paused briefly on its top, and then spread its wings and flew higher into the sky.

Time passed faster and faster, so fast it was dizzying.

The seasons changed. Spring flowers bloomed and faded, winter snow fell and melted. Cities changed, people changed, and even the outline of the horizon underwent subtle alterations due to geological movements.

Then, I saw Ye Shuer’s final moments. He lay among flowers, his face serene, his hair completely white. The roadside was lined with people who had come spontaneously to pay their respects, everyone’s expression sorrowful, their grief silent.

Mu Ke, Wen Fu, Wei Bao, Chu Luo… everyone came. Wrinkles covered their once young faces, and their backs were hunched over with age.

The three-legged crow stood atop the church’s bell tower, silently watching the grand funeral alongside me.

Then, Mu Ke died, and Wen Fu died too… One by one, those faces I knew disappeared in the torrent of time, replaced by entirely new faces. And those new faces disappeared, replaced by even newer ones.

They laughed, wept, argued, and embraced each other. Each with Read ontheir own name, appearance, and identity, repeatedly enacting the eternal joys and sorrows of humankind.

Technology rapidly advanced, and buildings grew taller and taller. Healthcare made breakthrough with each passing day, and neon lights never stopped shining.

Time continued to fly by, decades, centuries, perhaps even longer; I had long lost the measure to gauge its passage.

Suddenly, one day, war reignited. But this time, those who stormed the city gates with guns in hand and tanks were not the Wo people, but the Penglai people.

They shouted unfamiliar slogans, waved flags of unknown origin, and vented their pent-up resentment from years of oppression.

The streets were once again littered with corpses and rivers of blood.

History had not ended; it had simply taken a long detour, ironically returning to its starting point.

[You think it will be over….after I die?]

The old king’s dying words came true.

Heaven and earth are ruthless, treating all things like straw dogs.

War, killing, betrayal, as long as humanity exists in this world, these will never cease.

The three-legged crow flew over the burning city, its massive wings creating a scorching gust of air. It circled once in the firelight, then flew towards me and hovered in front of me.

[Is this what you wanted?]

It didn’t open its mouth, yet I could hear its “voice.” It wasn’t a male or female voice, or any other sound in the world, but a discernible “existence” that echoed directly in my consciousness.

Is this what I want? I started to think.

Initially, I crowed to be needed, pursued maximizing my own value, and viewed everyone as a tool to be used.

“To lead the people toward a future of equality and freedom” I believed this was the entire meaning of my life’s work.

But then, Zong Yanlei died. From the moment he died, my life was redefined. Every moment, every second, felt like I was soaking in sulfuric acid-like hatred.

I saved so many people, I did so much for them… Why couldn’t they save Zong Yanlei, save me?

They let him suffer for those five days, let him be executed in public by Jin Ke, let him die a gruesome death… Every day when I opened my eyes, that hatred began to corrode my mind and body, making me want to kill everyone I saw.

But I also knew that Zong Yanlei wouldn’t want me to kill everyone.

How could someone as soft-hearted as him want me to use the pretext of avenging him to slaughter innocent people?

So I could only endure. Endure killing only those who “deserve to die,” endure not turning the world into a bloodbath.

“No, this is not what I want,” I replied to the three-legged crow.

“If this isn’t what you want, then what do you want?” it asked again.

What do I want?

All around, the scenery began to collapse in my field of vision. Penglai grew smaller and smaller, until the entire continent finally condensed into a flat map. Then, the map continued to shrink, the coastline curved and converged, and the mountains and plains gradually merged into one, and I saw a blue planet.

It floated in the boundless universe, slowly rotating. Its surface was covered with white clouds and deep ocean, so beautiful that it was hard to believe that a group of bloodthirsty and murderous creatures lived there.

What I want…

The stars started to circle me in a clockwise direction, leaving behind long tails of light that eventually merged into one dazzling golden vortex after another.

Light gradually filled the darkness, expanding to its limit. Finally, a dazzling white flashed by, and even though I didn’t have [visit our site]“eyes,” my vision still blurred for a moment.

Then, everything suddenly became noisy.

A few melodious birdsongs brushed past my ears, and the rich fragrance of spring flowers lingered around my nose. The warm sunlight streamed down from the sky, making my exposed skin feel slightly hot. The blue planet that was just moments ago so close had transformed into a furled, pure white rosebud.

In the blink of an eye, I found myself standing in a courtyard full of flowers, with the real feeling of my feet touching the muddy ground.

The courtyard wasn’t spacious. A semi-circular archway was covered with vibrant white roses, their layered and full petals gleamed with a warm ivory sheen in the sunlight. Beneath the archway, pale yellow tulips were in full bloom, each blossom like a fairy holding a golden cup, light and graceful.

What is this place? Heaven?

I walked along the flower path, and when I turned the corner of the archway, my breath hitched.

In the very center of the courtyard, there was a wooden swing. On the swing sat a person.

He had his back to me, his toes lightly tapped the ground as he swayed back and forth listlessly. His silver hair was dazzlingly bright in the sunlight.

I dared not speak, dared not approach, dared not even blink. I was afraid that with the slightest carelessness, this illusory soap bubble would burst, and this person would vanish. Just like countless nights when I awoke from a dream, no matter how much I pleaded and begged to stay, all I touched was cold air and endless darkness.

So I just stood there, staring at the other person with lingering affection.

Suddenly, he turned his face slightly and stopped moving.

“Hmm? Why didn’t you say anything when you got here?” He noticed me, got up from the swing with a complaint, his tone as lazy and deep as ever, “I’ve been waiting for you for a long, long time.”

He turned around, and his blue-green eyes were breathtakingly beautiful. There was no hatred, no resentment, no anger, and no fear in them; only the joy of a long-awaited reunion and affection that could drown a person.

I swallowed dryly and started walking towards him. At first, I moved slowly, but then I walked faster and faster, and in the last few steps, I ran and threw myself into his arms.

The impact was so strong that it took him half a step back.

He chuckled softly, his warm breath brushing against my ear, his powerful heartbeat transmitting through our pressed chests, all of which soothed my restless and fearful soul.

“Is this the Earthly Paradise?” I buried my face in the crook of his neck, greedily inhaling his scent. “You haven’t crossed the Lethe River, have you? You… have been waiting for me?”

He did not answer the question.

“Jiang Man, now… do you know what to choose?” He patted the top of my head and said with a smile, “You’re so smart, you shouldn’t repeat the same mistake, right?”

What I want…

I tightened my arms around him, holding him even closer, wishing our ribs would interlock and our flesh would merge, so we would never have to be apart again.

“I’m sorry… I was sick… those five days, I didn’t know anything about those five days…” I didn’t hear what he was saying, and blurted out the words I thought I would never have the chance to say again, “Are you in pain… are you cold? I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have left you alone, I shouldn’t have been so far away from you…”

I closed my eyes.

“I killed Jin Ke, and I killed Chu Huan… I avenged you, please… please don’t be angry anymore…”

Joy, pain, regret, bitterness… all the emotions I thought had been worn down and exhausted by the long years erupted in that instant. I cried my heart out, like a child who had been lost for half his life and finally found his way home.

I hoped that all people could live in equality and freedom, that there was no longer a distinction between the noble and the commoner, and that everyone could live happily and with dignity. But these were more like things I had to do than things I “want”.

“I want you to live… I just want you to live…”

All the layers of pretense, all the meticulous calculations, all the rationality and grand narratives… at this moment when I felt Zong Yanlei’s body temperature, all shattered into dust, revealing the pitifully small, fragile, selfish and riddled-with-holes heart at the very bottom.

“Why are you crying?” Zong Yanlei seemed a little surprised and flustered. “Wait, let me see your face. Be good, let go of me first…”

“I love you.” Tears soaked his shoulder, my voice broken into incoherent sentences, repeating only three words over and over, “I love you… I love you…”

He froze.

The arms around my back tightened slightly, then slowly loosened, as if he were confirming something unbelievable. For a long while, he neither moved nor spoke.

“Caw!!!”

A loud, piercing caw, like metal scraping glass, suddenly rang out overhead.

The three-legged crow had somehow flown above the yard. It circled in the azure sky and emitted a series of alarm-like caws.

The sky had cracked open.

Starting directly above the circling crow a jet-black crack, like a black lightning bolt, abruptly cleaved the perfect blue sky. The crack spread rapidly before the naked eye, branching into countless spiderweb-like lines, tearing the sky to shreds.

The flowers began to wither, the swing broke without warning, the wooden fence collapsed without wind, and the entire space quickly disintegrated.

I didn’t know what was happening, I just sensed danger and wanted to run away. So, I grabbed Zong Yanlei’s hand and ran quickly towards the edge of the garden, trying to escape this space.

But after running only a couple of steps, my hand suddenly felt empty. I turned around in horror and saw that Zong Yanlei’s body had become Read ontransparent. Starting from his toes, like a thin mist evaporating in the sunlight, he gradually turned into fine golden dust.

“No…no! Zong Yanlei!”

I lunged at him like a madman, trying to hug him again, but my hands went through his chest.

He opened his mouth to say something, but his figure disappeared too quickly, and his voice could no longer be heard.

He vanished. And with him, the garden, the sunlight, even the three-legged crow, everything disappeared. In its place was darkness. Absolute, boundless darkness without a single ray of light.

I could no longer perceive sound, images, temperature, or direction.

Where was this? Hell?

Could it be that there was a problem with Hell’s system that allowed me to arrive at “Earthly Paradise” so quickly?

I began to let my mind wander in the darkness, thinking about Dante’s Divine Comedy. I thought about his description of the nine circles of hell, each corresponding to a different sin. I had committed too many sins; which circle should I descend to? The seventh circle for the violent? The eighth for the deceitful? Or the ninth for the traitor?

Perhaps none of them. Perhaps it was simply absolute darkness, and an endless, lucid, inescapable loneliness.

I don’t know how long I drifted in stolen contentthis void. Maybe a few minutes, maybe hundreds of years, maybe time was just a false concept here.

I tried shouting, but there was no echo; I tried struggling to move, but there was no direction; I tried closing my eyes, but in absolute darkness, there was no difference between having them open and closed. And just when I was about to give up thinking completely and let myself sink into despair, I heard a voice.

“Jiang……”

The voice was muffled and urgent, as if it were coming from behind a curtain of water.

“Jiang… Man…”

This time, the voice was closer.

“Jiang Man!”

I gasped and opened my eyes from the darkness.

My whole body was soaked in sweat, and the icy liquid dripped down my neck from my temples. The thin clothes on my back clung to my skin, and I felt like I had been pulled out of the water.

“Say it again.”

A deep, hoarse voice, filled with ecstasy, crashed down from above.

My limbs were so weak that I could barely move them. Every muscle screamed in protest, as if my skeleton had been disassembled and reassembled.

I gasped for breath, my blurred vision straining to focus through the tears running down my face.

The first thing that caught my eye was a hand, long, slender fingers with distinct knuckles supported a huge, upward-opening, curved hatch. Inside the hatch, there was a dense network of complex wiring and data interfaces, with red and blue indicator lights.

Then there were the arms. The cuffs of the custom-made white shirt were rolled up to the elbows, and a few pale blue veins, bulging from exertion, were faintly visible on the muscular forearms.

Finally, a face.

His silver hair was somewhat disheveled, a few strands damp with sweat fell across his forehead. My own disheveled appearance was reflected in his heterochromatic eyes. Sharp canine teeth were faintly visible beneath his thin, upturned lips.

“Quick, look at me. Say ‘I love you’ again.” Zong Yanlei’s eyes twitched upwards due to extreme excitement.

I stared at him as I gasped for air.

My brain briefly froze upon receiving the visual signal. I slowly turned my eyes and looked past his shoulder out of the corner of my eye.

Hundreds of enclosed neuro-navigation pods were arranged in a radial ring, resembling rows of technologically advanced silver coffins at first glance. At the center of each ring was a towering floral pillar adorned with the emblem of the Chu Dynasty. Above, beyond the massive, completely transparent dome, there was no smoke of gunpowder, no flames of war, only the deep, vast, and dazzling starlight.

I looked away and focused my gaze back on Zong Yanlei’s face, which was so close to mine. I reached out my still trembling hand and touched his cheek with my fingertips.

They slid slowly down his cheekbone, feeling the pulse beneath his skin, across his sharp jawline, and finally stopped at the corner of his mouth.

The corners of his lips, which were curved in a smile, trembled very slightly as I touched them.

“I love you,” I said.

There was no hesitation, no detours, no scheming, no pretense, and not a single superfluous hard shell for self-protection.

Immediately afterward, I grabbed his collar tightly with my other hand and, with the last of my strength, pulled him towards me. I tilted my head back, met his hot breath, and kissed him.