FDD 24

“You think everything I do is cute and nice, Luca.”

Noah nibbled gently on my earlobe with his lips. He wasn’t using his teeth, so it didn’t hurt, it just felt like kisses. I pulled Noah’s mouth away from my ear toward my own lips, and he obediently followed. I held his cheeks with both hands and slightly pulled our lips apart.

“Hey, Noah…Do you…want to have sex with me?”

I asked carefully, remembering the scenes I had seen on the second floor of Gerald’s house. I wanted to have sex with Noah, and I hoped he wanted it too. I thought he probably did. Noah paused for a moment before answering. But his reply was not what I expected.

“……It’s not like we have to have sex just because we’re dating.”

I had struggled to bring it up, but Noah answered ambiguously and pressed his lips to mine again. I knew he was trying not to pressure me, but I felt a little annoyed and turned my head to the side. Noah tried to follow my face but gave up when I blocked him. In the end, he settled for kissing my cheek, then slid his lips to my ear and whispered directly into it.

“Can we talk about this later? Please?”

I pulled my lips away from his face and sat back in the passenger seat. I looked straight at him and asked seriously.

“Do you not want to? If that’s the case, I understand.”

If Noah didn’t want to, I could accept it. I didn’t want to force my desires on him. But Noah hurriedly denied it.

“No, it’s not that.”

“Then why?”

“I…I…Luca, you…Never mind. Let’s talk about it later.”

“What about me? If you don’t tell me now, I won’t know.”

“So let’s talk about it when you’re sober, okay?”

I spoke in a slightly curt tone, Noah’s also became a bit sensitive in response. The word “sober” suddenly made me angry. I was upset because it felt like he wasn’t taking me seriously just because I had been drinking.

“I am sober right now.”

“No, you’re not. You’re excited right now.”

Noah didn’t believe me and stroked my back soothingly. I pushed his hand away rather roughly.

“Do my words sound irrational to you?”

“That’s not what I meant.”

Noah tried to pull my arm, but it only made me angrier. I just wanted to have a serious conversation unauthorized copywith him as lovers about sex. I had agonized about how to bring this up, yet Noah wasn’t taking it seriously. I couldn’t hold back anymore and opened the car door.

“Forget it. I’ll get home by myself.”

I felt Noah grab my arm, but I shook him off and got out of the car. I walked down the road without direction. I’d cool my head while walking and then hitchhike or something. Even if I got blisters on my feet, I didn’t want to stay with Noah right now.

***

“Ugh!”

Bright light slipped through the curtains and lit up the room. It was morning. I was so embarrassed. Once the alcohol wore off, I came back to my senses. I had been irrational because I was drunk. And yet I got angry at Noah. It looked like I threw a tantrum just because he wouldn’t have sex with me. I felt so ashamed.

What if Noah got tired of me? Why am I like this? Ha… how am I supposed to face Noah now?

I squinted and checked my phone. There were messages and missed calls from Noah.

[Luca, are you awake? I’m sorry.]

[Luca, reply as soon as you wake up.]

[Luca…….]

“Fuck…Luca, you crazy idiot……”

I slammed my head into the pillow again and again. Crazy bastard. Moron. Blockhead. Fool! I was so embarrassed I thought I’d never be able to look at Noah again. I buried my face in the pillow. I wanted to cry my eyes out. But then I heard a knock.

“Luca? You need to get up. Just because you graduated doesn’t mean you can sleep in all day!”

It was my mil. She still thought her high-school-graduate son was a child.

Well… I really am acting like one. No, I’m just an idiot…

“Ughhhhh……”

“Luca? Luca! Get up right now! Ha Yechan!”

I wanted to soak the pillow cover with tears, but Mom wouldn’t give me the time. In the end, I stood up and opened the door to show her I was awake.

***

After seeing my parents off to work, I buried myself in bed again and wallowed in self-blame. I didn’t even deserve to eat.

(Though I did have breakfast with my parents.)

I was lying face-down on the bed when the doorbell rang urgently.

Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Ding-dong!

It sounded very desperate. I didn’t want to get up, but I wasn’t the type to ignore the doorbell. I staggered downstairs and opened the door. Noah was standing there.

“Luca!?”

Shit!

Bang!

I immediately closed the door. I hadn’t even washed my face yet, why today of all days! Noah started pounding on the door.

“Luca, I’m sorry for showing up suddenly. But… you weren’t answering, so I got worried…… I thought something might have happened…Luca? Please? I’m sorry.”

I stood in front of the closed door, listening to Noah’s voice. He sounded so desperate that I couldn’t ignore him. I opened the door again. Noah immediately pulled me into a hug.

“Luca, I’m sorry. Don’t avoid me like that again. It really hurts me so much.”

Noah looked like he was about to cry. I gently stroked his cheek with my hand, and he rubbed his face against my palm like a puppy. Doing something like this with my boyfriend in my parents’ house while they were gone felt both uncomfortable and thrilling. Thinking about my parents made me take Noah upstairs to the second floor.

At least the second floor was my space. I even locked the door, then sat on the bed with him. Being in my room alone with Noah made Read on me feel embarrassed and excited despite the shame. I kept my head down, staring at my knees, and mumbled to him.

“Why are you apologizing? I’m the one who was wrong…I just…thinking about yesterday made me so embarrassed that I ran away…No, I was going to leave once I felt better, but then you showed up. It’s not that I didn’t want to see you, I just hadn’t washed my face yet. So……”

The more I spoke, the more embarrassed I became. Noah remained silent. I kept staring at my knees, but I felt like I had to say this properly, so I lifted my head and looked at him. Noah’s face was as beautiful as ever today.

What the hell had I done to someone like him? I threw a tantrum because he wouldn’t have sex with me? To this kind Noah Solano? I grabbed both of Noah’s arms tightly with my hands. His firm muscles twitched under my palms. I took a deep breath and spoke.

“So! I’m sorry. Really sorry. You were right, I was drunk and irrational yesterday. I took it out on you for no reason. It’s all my fault, so don’t apologize.”

Noah remained silent as he listened to my apology. I waited for him to speak. His mouth opened, then closed again. Instead of words, he pulled me into his arms. He pressed his forehead against my shoulder and whispered.

“Luca…… You know how much I really like you, right?”

I stroked Noah’s hair. It was soft and fine, slipping through my fingers. I kissed the side of his head.

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I feel even more sorry……”

I patted Noah’s back. His broad back twitched for a moment, then relaxed.

Noah kept his face buried in my shoulder for a long time before speaking in a quiet voice.

“…So, um. Luca, you really like me, right?”

“I do. I like you so much.”

To reassure him, I kissed his neck. Even so, Noah’s body remained tense. Then, he nervously began speaking.

“But…would you still like me even if I’m completely naked?”

Naked? Was he saying he was about to lose everything? What could Noah possibly lose?

Oh, he had already lost his high school status.

I couldn’t understand what he meant, so I pulled away from his embrace and looked him in the face.

“What do you mean? Is that a metaphor?”

Noah avoided my eyes and pulled me back into his arms. I was the one who had apologized, but today Noah was acting like a child.

“No. I mean literally naked…So, if…you see mine and get grossed out or freak out like those guys we saw on the second floor at Fox’s house yesterday, what then? What if you suddenly say you can’t do it? What do I do then?”

He wasn’t speaking metaphorically, he meant actual nakedness. I imagined Noah naked, and in my imagination, his body was more beautiful than anything. In reality, it would be the same, and even if it wasn’t, I loved Noah. I wanted to see him naked.

But the penises I saw on those guys yesterday were the last thing I wanted to see. They shouldn’t even be compared to unauthorized copyNoah’s. I never thought I’d be thinking like this while trying to act like a relaxed adult. I almost laughed, but I held it in.

I held Noah’s face with both hands, looked into his eyes, and said firmly.

“I really love you. Don’t you trust me?”

Noah’s brown eyes met mine. Unlike usual, they were trembling. His voice was the same.

“Loving you and trusting you are different things. I’ve only ever chased after you, and I’ve barely managed to be with you. If we grow distant again, I don’t think I’ll be able to endure it. So I thought it might be better to do nothing and just stay with you for a long time.”

“It’s not like I always think that way. But yesterday, I suddenly got scared. I really do love you. It’s not just in my heart. I…I’ve masturbated thinking about you so many times. It’s not even ‘a lot’ anymore. I think about you every day. Well, not that I do it every day, but…when I think about you, it happens often.”

“But what if you find out and get scared? What if you start thinking my feelings aren’t that serious after all? What if you leave me? Kissing and sex are different. I don’t have to have sex. Just having you by my side is enough. Kissing you and holding you already makes me happy. If I get greedy and ruin everything…then what do I do? That’s why…I was so scared that I ended up acting like that.”

Heat rushed to my ears. Noah Solano was sitting in my room, face bright red, confessing that he masturbated while thinking about me!

It felt fucking good, but it was also so embarrassing. I remained silent, my face was probably red. Noah looked at me with eyes that seemed on the verge of tears.

I was too embarrassed to speak, but I was even more afraid that tears would fall from his eyes. So I kissed his forehead and managed to speak.

“I…will love you whether we have sex or not. And…I really, really want to have sex with you. If you were just scared, and if you want to do it with me…then let’s do it. It’ll probably take a lot of preparation, but we can take it slow together.”

Even yesterday, I had only barely managed to bring up the topic of sex while relying on the courage from alcohol. As a Korean, talking about sex still felt awkward to me.

“And you know…I like kissing you and hugging you, but I think having sex with you would feel really good too. I love you more than you think. And…honestly, I’ve also…masturbated while thinking about you…Saying it out loud is seriously embarrassing. But anyway! So I like you, my dick likes you, and I’ll like your dick too – no, I already like it. So don’t worry. Even if it’s small, I’ll still love it.”

To overcome the embarrassment, I ended the sentence playfully and kissed Noah’s eyelid. When he opened his eyes again, the storm inside them had calmed. He was still embarrassed, his face bright red. Noah gave me a kiss on the cheek. It was so fleeting, like a dragonfly skimming water. He pulled me into his arms, kissed my ear once, and grumbled.

“…It’s not small.”

“Good to know.”

“So don’t leave me.”

Noah hugged me tightly. I patted his back because I couldn’t breathe. Only then did he loosen his grip. But he still seemed reluctant to let go, so he held my cheeks with both hands and looked at my face.

“So now you’re trying to seduce me with your dick?”

Noah kissed my eyelid and smiled.

“Will it work if I try?”

In return, I kissed his chin and smiled back at him.

“I don’t know yet. I haven’t seen it.”

“You’ll…get to see it soon.”

Noah’s voice dropped to a suggestive tone. I lifted my head and kissed him on the lips.