FDD 9

3. 10 Reasons Why I Can’t Love Myself

High school was, as Luca had predicted, boring. The hormones spewed by teenagers in the midst of secondary sexual development tired his nose, and the eyes searching for sex partners made him sick. Yet, he couldn’t skip school.

Because Luca was a good son to his father and mother.

Luca always arrived 10 minutes before class, always sat in the front row, and never participated in parties held by his peers. He would respond appropriately to the nonsense his peers tried to strike up.

The car he received as a gift for getting his driver’s license was the only good thing about entering high school. As soon as he reached the eligible age, Luca obtained his license, and his parents, delighted that their son was indeed smart, bought him a new car.

The car his parents bought for Luca was a black SUV. Luca liked the bright blue car, but following his parents’ opinion that a student should be well-behaved, he accepted a black one without protest. Although it wasn’t the color he wanted, it was more precious than anything else because it was the first space he had ever owned of his own. (Since Luca was an only child, he had one floor of the house to himself, but the feeling of living in a house with his parents was different from having a car to himself.)

Luca always drove that precious car home after classes. And once home, he always studied and did his assignments. Usually, he would wake up early in the morning, go for a jog, and then eat the breakfast his mother prepared. It was a healthy meal filled with organic and eco-friendly vegetables. To be honest, it wasn’t particularly delicious, but since his mother had prepared it, he ate it without a word of complaint. Then he headed to school. On Sundays, he went to church with his parents to attend worship services.

Luca did not have a strong religious faith. He didn’t think God didn’t exist, but he didn’t exactly believe he did either. He thought that science, which could logically explain phenomenas before his eyes, was more trustworthy than God. However, he didn’t harbor any particular resentment. Denying his parents’ God was not something a good son would do. Until then, Luca had not harboured any particular complaints about that life.

Luca was a second-generation Korean immigrant. Before Luca was born, the Asian couple, who had just moved from Korea to the U.S. and were living a poor life as students, faced considerable hardship until they acquired U.S. citizenship and opened a dental clinic with many patients.

Thanks to his parents, who were first-generation immigrants and had struggled to establish themselves in the U.S., Luca was able to be born into a fairly affluent family. And after Luca was born, thinking of his parents, who had devoted themselves solely to raising their only child, Luca, his life was easy. That was what Luca thought. It had to be.

Luca, who was born and raised in the U.S., and his parents, who were born and raised in Korea and ​unauthorized copy​moved to the U.S. only after becoming adults, did not align in many aspects.

However, since a good son was not supposed to talk back to his parents, Luca simply always followed their opinions. He thought that was ‘respect’ and the ‘filial piety’ he had to uphold as a son of Korean descent. Luca grew up believing that this was the proper course of action.

After a month of repeating the routine of school and home, free from the negative influences of dating, sex, and drugs typical of American high schoolers, Luca decided to take a different route home than usual.

He needed a change of pace because the math test he received that day was an A-, his running pace wasn’t as good as usual, and he had spilled his coffee on his notebook. At the time, for Luca, a change of pace meant neither alcohol nor cigarettes, but simply changing the route home.

The route Luca chose that day was not a shortcut. However, the fact that it was a new path made his heart flutter.

Because of this, Luca stopped at a fast-food restaurant he spotted along the way. Luca’s mother hated junk food. If he happened to eat bad food, she would uncannyly detect the smell of grease coming from his body and scold him. He didn’t think it was unfair to be scolded, as it was he who had failed to obey his mother’s word. However, on that day, Luca was consumed by fuzzy excitement, so he couldn’t bring himself to imagine that he would be scolded by his mother.

The name of the fast-food restaurant was GREY’S. The neon sign on the signboard was shining, but since it was still bright, it didn’t stand out. Luca stopped the car and stepped inside. Perhaps because it was an awkward time, there were only about two customers. Luca sat by the window. It was a seat facing two fixed two-seater sofas. As soon as Luca sat down, a waitress with red hair and dark skin, who appeared to be in her mid-40s, brought him the menu.

Her red hair was an artificial, transparent color. Since such a color couldn’t possibly come from a human body, it was obviously dyed, but to the waitress, that red suited her so well that it looked as if it were her natural hair. She also seemed a bit irritable, likely due to her gaunt, sunken cheeks and the black eyeliner drawn upwards. The waitress suddenly struck up a conversation with Luca.

“I haven’t seen you before?”

“……Ah.”

It was the first time Luca had ever heard such a remark at any of the shops he had visited. Aren’t most of the people coming and going strangers?

He started wondering if he had come to a place he shouldn’t have. When she saw Luca’s expression of surprise, the waitress [unauthorized copy]smiled. She seemed to have a warm personality, contrary to her appearance. As she opened the menu she had handed to Luca, the waitress spoke again.

“The location is a bit awkward, so only regulars come here. That doesn’t mean business is bad though. The food here is absolutely delicious. Anyway, I wouldn’t forget a customer with this kind of appearance, but since it looks like I’m seeing you for the first time, I asked. Since it’s your first time I’ll give you a recommendation. Among the light options, the milkshakes and fries are delicious. The burgers are good too, but it’s not mealtime. Milkshakes and fries are classics found everywhere, but classics are always the best. The owner here is particular about ice cream, so they use ice cream made with high-quality vanilla beans. I doubt there is a milkshake made with such ultra-premium ice cream anywhere in the Americas.”

The woman was more talkative than expected. It seemed like an effort to put Luca at ease. He gazed at the tips of her fluttering red hair, and when she finally finished speaking, he nodded.

“Then I’ll have a milkshake.”

“You don’t need anything else?”

“Hmm, I’m fine for now. I’ll order later if needed.”

“Alright. I’ll leave the menu here, so take a good look.”

The waitress marked the milkshake on the bill, smiled at Luca once, and disappeared into the kitchen. Because she had lifted the curtain covering the kitchen, the person inside was visible. It was a tall, plump woman in her mid-40s with light brown hair. She appeared to be the chef.

Luca tapped the table with his fingernails and looked out the window. Since there were no cars passing by, it seemed that only the expected customers were arriving. Just as Luca was playing “Chopsticks¹” on the table, the door opened and a customer entered.

“Carol, I’m here!”

The new customer was a boy who had just passed puberty. Although his voice was still on the borderline between that of a minor and an adult, Luca thought it was soft and pleasant to listen to. He glanced back and saw a tall, broad-shouldered boy standing there. At the boy’s greeting, Carol welcomed him with a bright smile.

“Oh, Noah. You came early today?”

“I ran a bit because I wanted to see Carol.”

Noah accepted Carol’s welcome with a cheeky grin. Noah and Carol seemed to be close. He looked around the shop, spotted Luca, grinned, and approached Luca’s seat. At first, Luca was flustered, wondering why that boy was approaching him.

So he tried to come up with the most rational explanation possible and assumed the boy was a server here. However, the boy reacted irrationally.

“Hi! Can I sit here? This is my regular spot, but I see there’s a customer here.”

The boy sat down on the seat opposite Luca without even waiting for permission.

Carol, who was at the bar, asked loudly, “Noah! Lemonade again today?” to which Noah replied, “The same one as this friend!” Luca was flustered by Noah pointing at him as he spoke, but he tried his best to maintain a calm expression. He was even considering moving seats when Noah suddenly spoke to him.

“You’re a Haddonfield High School student, right? I’ve seen you at school.”

“…Really?”

Luca was surprised that the boy was a student at the same school. Noah was tall and handsome, so there was no way he wouldn’t stand out, but perhaps because Luca hadn’t paid much attention to school life, he only realized Noah’s existence then. However, Noah had known of Luca’s existence long ago.

“I wanted to get close to you, but you always went home early after class. So I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you, but now we meet. Is this fate?”

Noah winked at the word “fate.” Luca wondered why he was acting like that.

Back then, Luca was completely clueless when it came to romance. He would have been confused by a girl acting that way, but he might have caught on soon enough. However, Luca at the time didn’t know that a boy could flirt with another boy (and quite obviously too!).

But seeing him act like that with such a handsome face made Luca blush a little, so he took a book out of his backpack to cover his face. It was a book he had to write about as the subject of an essay. He figured that if his eyes were fixed on the book, this kid named Noah wouldn’t be able to talk to him either. But Noah acted oblivious.

“Is that book interesting?”

“…I’m not reading it for fun. It’s an assignment.”

“How can you do homework if it’s not fun?”

“Do you do it because it’s fun?”

“Hmm, most of them…”

While talking to Noah at this time, Luca thought that Noah was a student who was only dedicated to sports and neglected his studies. (Later, he felt betrayed upon learning that Noah’s grades were actually excellent.) Noah wanted to keep the conversation going, but Carol’s arrival with a tray forced them to stop.

“Here, milkshakes for both of you. Enjoy, Noah. Enjoy your milkshake, handsome new guest.”

Carol gave them a warm smile, contrasting with the upturned corners of her eyes. Then she went into the kitchen.

In the meantime, all the other guests must have left, [visit our site]as only Noah and Luca remained in the dining area.

Noah removed the straw from the milkshake, put his mouth directly to the cup, and gulped it down. The thick milkshake didn’t flow smoothly, so it splattered in clumps onto Noah’s mouth, smearing it all over his lips and nose.

It looked as if he had applied shaving cream. When he saw Noah with his mouth a mess, Luca burst into laughter. Noah, seemingly unashamed, squinted and laughed along with him in delight. That was Luca and Noah’s first encounter.

***

Noah silently watched Luca, who was covering his ears, then straightened his legs and stood up. He placed both hands on his hips and let out a deep sigh. Luca could hear the sound even with his ears covered.

Noah changed the subject to make Luca feel more comfortable. Unable to pretend to keep his ears covered forever, Luca took his hands off his ears and lowered them. However, that topic wasn’t exactly what Luca wanted either.

“I’ll keep this. It could cause big trouble if I just threw it away here.”

Noah stuffed the bag of crack cocaine into his pants pocket.

“I worked so hard to get this!”

Luca grumbled, furious that it was being taken away.

“I really worked hard to get that, why are you taking it? Give it back. Are you my mom or dad?”

“I’ll give it back if you say you won’t ​stolen content​smoke it, but you bought it to smoke it.”

Noah wore a stern expression. It was a look that seemed to say, ‘You have no use for cooking with this.’ Noah’s face was so rigid that Luca felt intimidated and tried to make an excuse.

“I haven’t smoked cocaine yet. I’ve only tried medical marijuana a few times, so I bought this out of curiosity.”

“…It must have been a while since you’ve been on drugs.”