KEG 19

I arrived at the ward for work.

As I pushed my trolley toward the cleaning area, I heard a commotion.

‘Oh my, where did this bouquet come from?’

A monk arrived with a bouquet of lilies at the request of the family of an Esper hospitalized in the hospice ward. A passing social worker brightened at the sight and scent of them. They gently stroked the petals while exclaiming how beautiful they were.

‘We grow these at our temple garden. I brought a lot in my car; would you like one?’

The monk smiled kindly and acted as if he would readily give them away. Upon hearing this, the surrounding patients began to gather around out of curiosity.

‘Give me one too, Monk.’

‘I wonder how many days this will last if I put it in a vase?’

‘It will probably live longer than me!’

It was quite a dark joke, but no one around was offended; ​Read on​instead, they burst into laughter. Humor existed here too, and there were some who enjoyed it.

Those who accepted even their own death as just one of the enjoyable episodes leading to a conclusion.

‘Fuck!!’

Crash–!

However, that did not apply to everyone. The heartwarming atmosphere did not last long and was interrupted by curses and the commotion of broken furniture.

“How unlucky! Bringing white flowers?!”

‘Ah, Doctor, there he goes again~’

The Esper raged; he accused them of treating him like a living corpse, and the people in the ward, who had become all too accustomed to this, scattered in all directions, each holding a single lily in their hand.

As if to say there was no need to throw stones at every barking dog.

‘I told you not to pull the IV drip without permission~ Seeing blood is so bad for the other patients!’

Thin blood flowed ceaselessly from the back of the hand unauthorized copy where the IV had been pulled out, staining the floor.

Since Espers have bodies tougher than ordinary people, inserting an IV required a great deal of effort. There were even some who had to endure a living hell without medication because the needle wouldn’t go in.

‘Fuck… you bastards…’

‘Come on, let’s go.’

A nurse arrived and led the Esper somewhere, and the blood flowing from the back of his hand left footprints at regular intervals.

“Oh, what do we do about this…”

A social worker holding a single lily bent down to wipe up the spilled IV fluid and blood on the floor with a tissue.

Thump.

“You must not touch it.”

I moved quickly to stop her.

“What?”

“This is a narcotic painkiller. It could be dangerous if you touch it with bare hands.”

The IV fluid, specially formulated for those with extraordinary physical conditions, was a dangerous substance incomparable to the pain-controlling fluids typically used for hospice patients.

Because it was a glucose-based solution mixed with potions, it was sticky and difficult to wash off once it got on the body. Furthermore, since it contained high-purity morphine, the drug’s components could penetrate the bloodstream if there was even a small cut on the hand.

“I’ll clean it up. Please get back to work.”

I dismissed the social worker and the onlookers, set up a “no access” sign, and began the cleaning work.

As expected, it was a difficult task due to the stickiness, but it was important to tackle the parts I could handle step by step. Cleaning was something that truly came to fruition when done with the belief that if I kept moving, it would eventually become spotless.

The process of planning and realization.

Achievement in daily life.

“This is true bodhisattva practice.”

When I turned around, the monk had placed one of the last lilies stolen contentfrom his almost empty bouquet in my trolley as well.

“May peace be upon you.”

I watched the monk’s retreating figure as he bowed with his hands clasped before heading to the hospital room. Then I lowered my head and resumed mopping.

The floor was still dirty, and my job was to make it spotless.

“Ha Seongho…?”

When I heard another voice again, I looked up to see a familiar face in civilian clothes sitting in a wheelchair. The person stared at me with a surprised expression.

“When did you get out of the military?”

It was a man who had been discharged from the Guide Infantry Unit.

***

“The last time I saw you, you were a Sergeant. Did you get discharged as a Sergeant too?”

“I went all the way up to Warrant Officer.”

The guy burst into hearty laughter, and mimicked his old tone as he said, “As expected of Sergeant Ha, I knew you’d survive with such tenacity!”

He said he had come to visit an Esper he’d been paired with since their military days, who was now receiving life-sustaining treatment in the ward.

“Do you remember? When I was the newest Private First Class, you made me run around the parade ground because you saw me eating bread in the bathroom.”

“I did that because… you stuffed your face with six loaves of bread. I thought you were going to eat yourself to death.”

Maybe he’d finally gotten to eat whatever he wanted after returning to civilian life, the guy I remembered looked emaciated, but now he had gained a good amount of weight.

When I told him he should start eating seven or eight loaves at a time now, he cackled as if it was the funniest thing in the world.

“Back then, I just felt empty inside. I also wondered what I was doing there…”

He scratched his cheek awkwardly; his hand was a prosthetic. His other hand was also missing its ring and little fingers.

When I looked at him like that, I couldn’t bring myself to ask if he had been doing well.

“Ha Seongho-ssi…? Ah, I don’t know what to call you.”

“Call me whatever you want.”

“You’re younger than me, you bastard Ha Seongho.”

Since I told him to call me whatever he wanted, he seemed determined to go all out; he went from using informal language to swearing. When I saw him like that, I couldn’t help but laugh.

“What on earth do you live to get that kind of vibe at that age?”

“What kind of vibe do you get from me?”

“I don’t know. It’s there. Something unpleasant, scary, and off-putting.”

It seemed that particularly sensitive people could sense that my mental contamination level was not normal.

Hunter Park Suheon had also visited this hospice ward in person to talk about my blood and left after telling me to make sure I get purified.

To lower my mental contamination level, I had to take purification potions or visit a Saintess or Saint to receive a mental purification skill directly. Given my level, it would cost a fortune and take a long time, so I had been putting it off, but with everyone saying this, it seemed like the time had come to take action.

“That’s why the officers and commanders all hated you.”

“Those bastards aren’t the only ones who hated me.”

“Haha! Right! There weren’t many guys who liked you, Ha Seongho!”

I put a cigarette in my mouth as I watched the guy laughing heartily. I remembered that this was a garden within the hospital grounds, so I didn’t light it.

“Seongho.”

The guy, who had been laughing and chatting away, called my name in the most natural way.

“There’s something I think about every night. But I just can’t come up with an answer on my own. Please give me an answer.”

At that question, a winter wind blew in from somewhere, and a biting cold swept across my body like a blade.

“I really don’t know.”

He lifted his eyes, which had been filled with doubt for a long time.

Dry branches shrieked as they collided against each other, driven by the fierce, biting [stolen content]force of winter brought about by the wind.

“You know.”

The fallen leaves scraped against the ground like cracking whips.

My throat felt parched, as if I were being pressured. It felt as if the organs that could speak had been burned to ashes.

“Why did you save me back then?”

With every breath I took, a freezing sensation ached in my lungs. My broken body creaked with horrifying sounds.

My sense of reality drifted away, and my mind went blank for a moment.

“Are you satisfied now that I’m living like a cripple?”

He spoke as if it were no big deal. His tone was calm, like a casual greeting of “hello,” “nice to see you,” or “take care.”

I could not answer that question, which he had asked so easily.

I just held a dry, unlit cigarette ​Read on​in my mouth until the hollow metal frame of his wheelchair rattled as it drifted away and disappeared.

***

“Doesn’t this flower look like me?”

When I returned to the storage room, Baek Yejun was smiling as he pulled the lily out of a bucket. I wanted to ask if he planned to insist that anything that looked even slightly pale resembled him, but I wasn’t in the mood.

Today, Baek Yejun looked both flamboyant and miserable.

His attire was flashy, suggesting he had just come back from a gate, but the wounds and dried blood scattered across his body indicated that he had just returned from a desperate battle.

“You’re going to contaminate the patients. Go change your clothes.”

“Believe it or not, I just came back after completing the purification process. Anyone standing next to me would likely have a lower mental contamination level than you, Hyung.”

He was insane, but he was reliable when it came to his work. He must have gone through all the formal procedures.

“Am I really at such a dangerous level?”

I asked as I stared down at my rough Read on palms. Baek Yejun had assessed my mental contamination level from the very beginning.

If so, could he tell me objectively what level I actually am?

Since when had I become such an unpleasant, frightening, and repulsive presence?

“At first, I thought a monster was pretending to be a human.”

Baek Yejun answered my question.

Is that so? Am I a monster?

The Brigade Commander once called me a walking gate.

I needed to get purified as soon as possible.

“Do I still seem like a monster pretending to be human?”

I felt relieved that the mental contamination level wasn’t causing harm to others. If contaminated energy is as dangerous as radioactive energy, then mental contamination is like a bomb inside the brain; as long as it is isolated from people before it explodes, there is no problem.

“You’re worse than a monster. Hyung you are…”