SLC 90
“……!”
Kim Jinkyung abruptly sat up.
“Haah…. Haah….”
He gasped for breath. Only then did he realize he had been dreaming. He wiped his reddened eyes and noticed his hands were shaking.
Why did he have such a dream? It could have been the framed photo he saw at the villa, or perhaps it was because he rolled down the valley during the day. No, the reason did not matter. He just couldn’t stop crying because that young beast, looking down into the darkness all alone, seemed so pitiful.
Kim Jinkyung could not shake off the emotions from the dream. He sat with his face buried in his hands for a long time, breathing heavily, before he noticed the silence around him was too profound.
“…Seongha-ssi.”
There was no one.
Kim Jinkyung got out of bed. He checked to see if the man had gone to the bathroom, but he found not even a shadow.
He opened the door of the cabin. Snowflakes scattered in the wind over the frozen snow-covered field.
“Seongha-ssi!”
Kim Jinkyung called for Mok Seongha. No answer returned. Even as he looked around, nothing but the endless snow field filled his vision.
Did something go wrong? He was not the type of person to leave him alone. Maybe something happened, and… maybe that was why he had such a dream.
“Seongha-ssi!”
He called out Mok Seongha’s name louder. Once sparked, his irrational anxiety grew, with one dark thought leading to another.
What were the last words I said yesterday? What if I was mean to him, or… what if I never see him again….
Kim Jinkyung ran like a madman. The blade-like cold pierced his feet, but he could not care about such things. He knew he should look for signs of people according to the direction on the map. He thought that in his head, but he walked aimlessly here and there like a drowning person flailing about. Then he started to run. He ran forward like a crazy person, driven by an anxiety that felt like it was squeezing his heart.
“Seongha, ..Seongha-ya!”
The snow field was silent now that the wind had stopped. Shards of light scattered over the frozen sea of snow.
The excessive silence choked his throat and stifled his breath. Kim Jinkyung shouted the man’s name with all the strength he had.
“Seongha-ya!”
Just then, someone ran toward him from far away. Kim Jinkyung knew. Even if he could not see the face, even if he could not hear the voice, and even if the distance was long, he knew the person coming toward him was Mok Seongha.
Kim Jinkyung ran toward him.
“Teacher!”
Mok Seongha came into view. Kim Jinkyung ran and threw his arms around him. The cold air filled his lungs and made him cough, and his throat ached, but he did not care.
“…Why are you here…. Shit, did you come out barefoot?”
Mok Seongha picked him up in his arms the moment he saw Kim Jinkyung’s bare feet. Kim Jinkyung held onto Mok Seongha’s neck and said nothing.
“Why did you come out?”
“…Because I couldn’t see you.”
“I left a note on the table. I said I’d be back in a bit.”
He had not been in the right state of mind to check such a thing. It was unlike him. However, he could not make a rational judgment right after that dream. He just wanted to find Mok Seongha. He needed Mok Seongha.
“What’s wrong?”
He asked after he noticed Kim Jinkyung was not his usual self.
“I had a dream….I don’t know.”
Mok Seongha sighed and walked with long strides while holding Kim Jinkyung. As soon as they reached the cabin, Mok Seongha sat Kim Jinkyung on the bed. He brushed the snow off the feet and rubbed them against his own bare skin under his shirt to melt the cold.
“You shouldn’t walk around barefoot. You could get hurt.”
“…I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, …never mind. You aren’t in pain, right?”
Mok Seongha asked. Kim Jinkyung nodded silently. Mok Seongha’s big hand covered his forehead.
“You had a bit of a fever at dawn.”
“I did?”
“Yeah. I think we overdid it. …Both of us.”
“Are you okay, Seongha-ssi?”
“My fever is completely gone.”
Mok Seongha took Kim Jinkyung’s hand and made him touch his forehead. Just as he said, his fever had cooled down.
“So I transformed at dawn and went up to the villa. I grabbed some food and other things, and I changed my clothes. I brought your clothes, too.”
Mok Seongha spoke as he took off the backpack from his shoulder.
“…But I couldn’t find the medicine I wanted, so I’m a bit late because I had to go get it.”
Mok Seongha took a fever reducer and a water bottle out of the bag and handed them to Kim Jinkyung.
“Take this. It’s for the fever.”
“…….”
“Take the medicine, eat something light, and let’s go to the villa. I’ll carry you on my back to where the car is parked.”
“I can walk.”
The pain in his ankle was certainly less than yesterday.
“Don’t push yourself,” Mok Seongha said as he poured the pills into Kim Jinkyung’s palm. “What if you get even more hurt?”
Kim Jinkyung looked at the small pills in his palm. His heart ached when he imagined the beast climbing up the dangerous valley alone at dawn just to bring this. He did not even care if he took the medicine. It was just a slight fever that would go away with some rest.
“Hurry and take it.”
Mok Seongha tapped Kim Jinkyung’s palm with his finger.
It felt like he might cry. Kim Jinkyung quickly put the pills into his mouth and swallowed the water. He didn’t want to cry again like a fool and make Mok Seongha worry.
“And this….”
Mok Seongha pulled another medicine envelope out of the bag.
“What is this?”
“..Contraceptives.”
“What?”
“It’s…the kind you take afterward…but they said I needed a doctor’s prescription, so I called the professor and asked for a favor. I know there’s absolutely no chance of that happening.”
Mok Seongha bit his lower lip after he said that.
“…You cried a lot because of that yesterday.”
Yesterday was the first time they had proper penetrative sex while Mok Seongha was in heat. There had been changes to his genitals before, but yesterday was on a completely different level. The sensation of being penetrated while stretched wide open, and the feeling of him releasing so deep that it wouldn’t normally reach, brought a mix of fear and an indescribable sexual peak.
Mok Seongha could not even lift his head, as he thought Kim Jinkyung burst into tears because of him.
“When we go up to Seoul, I’ll look into things like neutering surgery….”
It wasn’t that they hadn’t tried condoms. However, perhaps due to the nature of his genitals, a part of the condom always tore. After several attempts, they gave up on condoms.
“I’m sorry that I’m not human, …no, that I’m both human and beast.”
Mok Seongha handed the medicine envelope to Kim Jinkyung.
“Drink plenty of water. They said you might feel sick and throw up, or feel dizzy after you take this.”
Kim Jinkyung pushed the medicine envelope away.
“I don’t want to take it.”
“But….”
“You know there’s no chance, Seongha-ssi.”
It was a story with zero possibility. No matter how special Mok Seongha’s body was, Kim Jinkyung was a normal human. However, Mok Seongha did not want his partner to feel even a shred of anxiety, so he spared no effort.
“And if it were going to happen, it would have happened a long time ago. Think about how many times we’ve….”
Kim Jinkyung turned his head away, his hands cupping his own cheeks, as he continued.
“….you’ve done it inside.”
“…….”
Mok Seongha could not find an answer.
“Yesterday was, well, it was a bit difficult in many ways, and… I felt it too much….”
The last part was spoken in such a small voice it was nearly inaudible. Only then did Mok Seongha lift his head.
The image of Kim Jinkyung’s face, flushed red like a ripe apple, burned into his vision.
“I know there’s no possibility, and absolutely no way such a thing could happen, but… just in case, no, even if it’s a one-in-ten-million miracle, …if that happens.”
Kim Jinkyung bit his lower lip.
He felt more embarrassed now than the day Mok Seongha called a university hospital professor to his cramped studio apartment to ask if Jinkyung was pregnant. He felt as if his face were on fire. He never imagined a day would come when he would say these things with his own mouth.
“…I want to have it.”
“…What?”
“If it’s a child who looks like you, …I’m sure he’ll be cute and lovely…. …I don’t know if I can raise him well, though….”
He thought of the small child he saw in his dream.
The one who looked down into the darkness, waiting for someone to call his name.
The moment that small beast threw himself into the darkness, Kim Jinkyung felt as if his heart were being torn apart, even though it was a dream. He wanted to call out the boy’s name and scream ‘no’. He wanted to stand firm in the darkness to catch Mok Seongha’s younger self.
…He wanted to hold him.
“Of course, I know your opinion is the most important, Seongha-ssi. Anyway, I….”
“…Do you?”
“Yes?”
“Do you…love me?”
Mok Seongha looked as if he might cry at any moment.
Mok Seongha’s gaze was stolen by Kim Jinkyung, who said that a child who looked like him would undoubtedly be cute and lovely. And he realized once again. Every answer in his life would always point toward Kim Jinkyung.
“Yes.”
Kim Jinkyung answered in his characteristically calm voice.
“I love you.”
The moment he saw the living cat inside the box, Kim Jinkyung felt a premonition that he would love this man for the rest of his life. And it had been proven true.
“How much do you love me….” A trembling voice demanded proof of that love.
Enough to want to go back to the military, enough to decide to go to an engineering graduate school, …enough to want to have a child that couldn’t even be created. …He considered saying those things, but Kim Jinkyung chose the simplest answer.
“This much.”
Kim Jinkyung drew a symbol on Mok Seongha’s palm to represent the largest quantity he knew.
“…Shit, you…”
“…Lay down.”
Only then did Mok Seongha realize the meaning of the symbol Kim Jinkyung drew, and he stared at his palm.
‘Infinity isn’t a number. …It’s a process.’
The words Kim Jinkyung said to him before were now engraved on his palm.
“Infinity is….”
“Not a number, but a process.”
Mok Seongha finished Kim Jinkyung’s sentence.
It was a wish, containing a promise that he would love him more tomorrow than today.
“I love you too,” Mok Seongha said as he looked at Kim Jinkyung.
“…Really, so much…… as much as ten times infinity….”
Mok Seongha reached a point where he could no longer hold back. He pulled Kim Jinkyung close and kissed him.
Every time Kim Jinkyung felt Mok Seongha’s icy lips, because he had traveled a great distance, his heart warmed.
Ten times infinity.
The nonsensical name attached to a feeling that continued endlessly and would never end was so lovely that Kim Jinkyung chuckled. Then, strangely, his eyes grew hot and stung at that very moment.
It was a feeling that would surely grow stronger tomorrow than it was today.
Their feelings for each other mixed and permeated through the pure white silence, forming a complete shape.
It was a perfect and beautiful invasion.
Kang Uicheol saw Kim Jinkyung in a half-cast and Mok Seongha supporting him. His expression screamed: ‘I knew it would happen, and it happened again.’
“It was only four days and three nights. How could you do this? You’re amazing.”
“He slipped on a snowy path, that’s all.”
Mok Seongha gruffly defended Kim Jinkyung.
“Just how on earth do you slip and fall for it to turn out like that?”
“Ahaha….”
Kim Jinkyung scratched his cheek with an awkward smile.
“It’s not a major injury, just a slight ligament strain. I just need to put on some patches and rest for a few days….”
It was only because Mok Seongha threw a fit and insisted on a cast that he ended up with one.
“Is it really that hard for you two to just have a sweet romance?”
“What kind of ‘sweet romance’ do you expect from a guy like me? I’m lucky just to be in a relationship.”
“What’s wrong with you, Young Master?”
“What’s wrong with Seongha-ssi?”
Both of them defended Mok Seongha at the same time. A lopsided smile hung on Mok Seongha’s lips. Kang Uicheol cleared his throat and continued.
“…Right. Anyway, I’m glad you returned safely. I also heard that you called Professor Kim at dawn.”
“That old man is impossible to talk to.”
“…….”
“……”
Is he as impossible to talk to as a guy who calls in the middle of the night to ask for a morning-after pill because his male lover might get pregnant?
Professor Kim, who took the call half-asleep, replied several times–and in a very firm tone–that a man cannot get pregnant. As expected, Mok Seongha didn’t even pretend to listen and simply repeated his demand for an illegal prescription.
“Don’t use such a brilliant mind for things like that.”
“…You shouldn’t do that.”
The two of them tried to dissuade him in all seriousness, but Mok Seongha didn’t even care.
“Our foundation paid for that old professor’s medical school entrance fees and tuition. The same goes for his faculty appointment. I heard we even paid for his children’s study abroad expenses. I should get back as much as we gave. My grandfather said there’s no such thing as a free lunch in life.”
Only then did Kim Jinkyung understand why a university hospital professor had personally visited such a cramped studio apartment.
“…Anyway, I suppose you won’t be thinking about traveling for a while.”
Kang Uicheol, who had heard the whole situation over the phone from the young master at dawn, thought to himself that the man would surely never bring up the topic of traveling again. Of course, his own vacation was also gone for the time being.
“We’re going, though.”
Mok Seongha replied.
“What? You’re going on another trip? Why?”
Kang Uicheol wore an expression of disbelief.
“…It was…fun.”
The one who answered was Kim Jinkyung.
“Excuse me?”
“It was fun. Of course, we suffered a bit, but… haha….”
…Has this guy finally lost his mind?
Kang Uicheol looked at Kim Jinkyung, who was wearing a cast and covered in bruises, and eventually clicked his tongue.
It was already widely known that Kim Jinkyung, who looked like the most well-behaved person in the world, was actually the most insane one here.
“I’m going to get some rest.”
Mok Seongha took Kim Jinkyung and went into the room. Kang Uicheol shook his head and began to pack the luggage.
How much time had passed?
Mok Seongha came out of the room and tapped Kang Uicheol on the shoulder.
“Can I ask you for a favor?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Yes, you can.”
“…Go ahead,” Kang Uicheol answered with a sigh.
“Give me a photo. Just one.”
“What photo?”
“The one from the villa. I’m asking for just one copy.”
“Why?”
“I think the teacher wants to have it.”
Kang Uicheol glared at him.
“I can’t. Chairman Choi ordered all of those to be destroyed, so there are only a few photos left.”
Chairman Choi disliked leaving any photographic evidence of his grandson in his panther form. It was for the same reason that Kang Uicheol kept the framed photo at the villa instead of the main house.
“The negatives aren’t even around anymore, so do you know how precious those photos are? And you want to take one?”
“You’re being stingy. Just bring in another panther cub and take photos. That’ll work, right?”
“…What did you say?”
“Bring in another male, raise it, and then have it mate with the original one. It works out perfectly.”
“…How does it work…no, why… why bring in a male?”
“A female wouldn’t be able to act as my double because of the size difference.”
“That may be true, but… why would you specifically make two males mate?”
“Shit, they should be able to handle that much. And the intention is what matters; does the sex really matter?”
“…….”
It matters. In the animal kingdom, that’s the most important thing.
“Anyway, just bring in one more little guy and take all the photos you want. That’s fine, right?”
“How is that fine…. Do you have any idea how much that costs…. Ha, please stop with the expensive romance and just have a sweet…no, a decent romance. I’ll pretend I didn’t hear the part about the cub.”
Even if they had more money than they knew what to do with, he wished the man would engage in more productive ways of wasting it. Secretary Kang began to organize the remaining luggage.
“Then, shit, I’ll give you a cub later when we have one.”
“Pardon?”
“I said I’ll give you a cub when we have one.”
“…A what?”
“A cub.”
“…….”
Kang Uicheol remained silent for a moment, then tapped his palm against his forehead to organize his thoughts.
“Young Master, according to the knowledge I’ve acquired throughout my life, two males, that is to say, two men cannot have children.”
“Right. They can’t.”
“…Then how are you going to have a cub?”
“If I have one by any chance, I’ll give it to you.”
Mok Seongha was shameless. That was a prominent trait of feline animals. No one knew that trait better than Kang Uicheol, who had raised and looked after him since childhood.
“…Haha. If you have one by any chance, you’ll give it to me. Hahaha….”
“Yeah. I’ll give it to you. So trade it for the photo.”
Kang Uicheol stared for a long time at the man who tried to extort his precious treasure by offering a fraudulent item.
“Fine then, give me the prettiest one.”
…This guy is impossible to reason. I might as well talk nonsense back to him.
“What?”
“If you promise to give me the prettiest and smartest one, I’ll give you the photo. I’ll raise him well for you.”
“…Fine.”
Mok Seongha answered and went back into the room. However, not much time passed before he ran back into the living room and yelled.
“Now that I think about it, this feels like shit. If it’s the prettiest one, he’ll look exactly like the teacher, so why would I let you have him!”
“…….”
“I’m not giving him to you. No, I can’t.”
Mok Seongha bared his teeth, claiming ownership of a cub that didn’t even exist.
“…Didn’t you say you’d never have children?”
“I won’t.”
“Then what is there to give or not give?”
“…Because the teacher said he wanted to.”
“Pardon?”
“He said it would be okay if it was a child who looked like me… Jinkyung said that… so I think it would be okay too. Of course, it’s impossible.”
If it’s impossible, why get so worked up about it? ..Whatever. Let’s just stop talking.
“Okay. Then give me the weakest and ugliest one. I’ll raise him well too.”
“Okay…. …Shit, now I’m getting pissed off again.”
“What is it this time?”
“There’s no way a child the teacher gave birth to could be ugly.”
“…….”
…He can’t give birth. Absolutely not…. Men don’t give birth.
“Anyway, I’m not giving him to you. So just give me the photo.”
There was no robber quite like this one.
“Ah, I don’t know. I’m tired, so go away.”
“What did you do to be tired? You just came back from a vacation. By the way, where did you go? You don’t even have a lover.”
Mok Seongha asked, poking at a sore spot without any hesitation.
“…I went somewhere worth going. You should rest too, Young Master. You must be tired after running back and forth on that snowy path at dawn. That wasn’t a trip; it was a forced march
“I’m fine.”
Mok Seongha said that and cast his gaze toward the room where Kim Jinkyung was sleeping.
“….The trip was fun, too.”
It wasn’t empty words. Kang Uicheol could tell that the man cherished the time spent on this trip.
“But get some rest. Next to the teacher.”
“I will.”
Mok Seongha answered and walked down the hallway, adding one last word about the photo before he disappeared.
“…….”
Kang Uicheol quietly sighed.
Actually, it wasn’t just the Chairman who hated the photos taken when he was a panther. The young master also hated those photos. No, rather than hating them, he felt ashamed. The fact that not a single photo remained in this house was partly due to the young master’s past tantrums, where he would rip them to shreds with his paws whenever he saw them.
Kang Uicheol pulled an old photo out of his wallet. It was a photo of his first birthday party, which had been included in the letter Choi Suhyeon sent to her father. Chairman Choi had torn both the letter and the photo in a fit of rage. Kang Uicheol collected those pieces and taped them together. Much later, he handed the letter the Chairman hadn’t read that day to him while he was hospitalized.
‘…Uicheol. …Thank you.’
Chairman Choi read the letter with tears in his eyes.
He couldn’t bring himself to hand over the photo. It was because the photo contained the image of Choi Suhyeon’s husband, the man who was Mok Seongha’s father.
Yesterday, he went to the grave where Choi Suhyeon was buried. …The place where that man’s ashes were also scattered.
In principle, the carcass of a beast was classified as waste and thrown into a trash bag. However, because it was related to Choi Suhyeon’s accident, the beast was also autopsied. The animal’s carcass after the autopsy was in a miserable state. The organs and flesh, sliced and torn by a scalpel, lay jumbled together without any respect. It was his job to handle that as well.
He put the pieces of the carcass into a large bag and went to a rural crematorium, where he paid extra to have it cremated. He took the bone powder from a cheap, small urn and scattered it near the grave where Choi Suhyeon was buried.
The Chairman would have been furious if he knew, but he had no choice.
…He really had no choice.
Kang Uicheol looked down at the man in the photo. The man, who looked exactly like the young master, was smiling brightly while holding a child.
On his first vacation in a long while, he stopped by the grave where Choi Suhyeon was buried and walked around the area.
His memory was blurry now regarding exactly where he scattered the man’s ashes. He just stepped on the ground in that vicinity and repeated a promise to return one day with the young master.
…It would probably be a very long time from now.
But then.
‘He said it would be okay if it was a child who looked like me… Jinkyung said that… so I think it would be okay too. Of course, it’s impossible.’
You’re right. If it’s a child who looks like you, Young Master, it will certainly be okay. … I promise that.
Kang Uicheol put the photo of the young master as a child back into his wallet. The man’s movements became busy again as he finished tidying up after the short yet long trip.
That day, which seemed so far off, feels like it might arrive a little sooner.
It was a premonition.
A smile flashed through the eyes of the man with the long scar.
The sound of snow piling up outside the window colored the peaceful silence.
A peaceful day was passing by.
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