SRS 177
Mikael’s eyes widened slightly as if he had heard an unexpected question, then narrowed again.
“I don’t know what your intention is with that question. Why are you asking something like that?”
“…You look more at ease now that you’ve sealed away your emotions for him.”
“Isn’t that obvious? I buried all my negatives emotions.”
“I suppose so. But, when we first met, you looked just as peaceful as you do now.”
“…….”
“Did I make things difficult for you?”
Yohan frowned slightly as he asked this. His heart pounded faster than usual. Yohan struggled to define the emotions driving him. He felt perfectly fine just moments ago, so why was he suddenly feeling anxious and guilty? Why did he feel like he was being chased by something?
No… was he really fine?
After meeting the Evil Gods Contractors in the commercial district where he had dragged Mikael…
After being forced to take the poison of oblivion by them.
After passing out and barely recovering with Mikael’s help.
Was those moments truly nothing, when they left Mikael in pain again because of him?
When he heard about the existence of the Evil Gods Contractors, when he heard his friends’ stories, when he told them his story, and when he first fell here.
Was it really nothing?
It felt as if a dizzying rupture was coming from somewhere. Yohan felt something was leaking out, and his pupils began shaking. Although he had asked the question to verify the facts, the emotional waves intensified after he had spoken.
When he saw Yohan’s grave expression, Mikael blinked and then called out to him. Absentminded, Yohan could not answer immediately.
“Yohan.”
Out of consideration for Yohan, Mikael called him once more in a calm voice. His almost white eyes reflected Yohan with perfect clarity.
“Are you anxious?”
“…….”
“Or are you scared?”
“…….”
“…It’s because of Cheplen. Just as I saw myself in you, you saw him in me.”
At the sudden mention of the name, Yohan gasped. His wavering golden eyes framed Mikael. Even in the face of Mikael who pointed out something he hadn’t realized and was convinced of it, Yohan could not offer any rebuttal.
Instead, he simply clenched his fists tightly.
How could he possibly deny those words?
“Ha…”
A sigh of surrender escaped Yohan’s lips.
“…How did you know?”
As he asked in a trembling voice, Yohan bit the inside of his cheek.
Mikael had struck the nail on the head with piercing intensity. Just as his indifference had contributed to Cheplen’s corruption, he was afraid that he might have had a negative influence on the resentment and pain Mikael carried toward that person.
Why was he afraid of that?
Yohan looked at Mikael to find the answer, but the angel said nothing. He simply looked at Yohan. When he realized that the answer lay within him, Yohan fell silent.
After reflecting on himself in the stillness, Yohan soon clutched his forehead and let out a brief groan. Mikael grabbed his forearm and straightened him up as he stumbled.
“…You’re right. Just as I caused Cheplen’s fall, I asked because I was afraid that negative feelings might have sprouted within you because of me.”
Yohan laughed self-deprecatingly. That laughter mingled with words he had let slip. Yohan felt as though he were about to cry.
Was it the human heart to have moods that fluctuate dozens of times a day?
He had inwardly rejoiced and hoped upon learning that Cheplen might be involved with Evil Gods Contractors. Yet, as if nothing had happened, he would return to fear regarding Cheplen’s affairs, terrified that he might have made the same mistake himself.
Yohan slowly dissected himself to see why he was behaving this way, then closed his eyes.
“I… want to be flawless.”
He spoke like a sinner confessing before a priest.
Suddenly, he felt that everything he had struggled for until now had been in vain, and he was overcome with emptiness.
What effect had Mikael’s acknowledgment of being an angel and his subsequent permission to regain his divinity had had on him? Unable to bring himself to hide a single thing, he was forced to confront the feelings he had buried for so long. He wanted to become an innocent and flawless person, free from a single blemish of sin in Cheplen’s fall.
Only then would his shoulders feel a little lighter.
Only then would it be easier not to harbor resentment.
A truly flawless person does not easily harbor resentment. In the first place, the emotion of resentment could only be felt when hating someone else, and since many people often cited themselves as the primary target of that hatred, those who had never hated themselves were generally unable to hate others either.
That was why Yohan wanted to be flawless.
To avoid hating himself. To avoid hating others.
It was selfish.
As Yohan let his tension out and stumbled once more, Mikael escorted him to a bench. Yohan sat weakly on the wooden bench and stared at the ground. His dry hand roughly ran down his face.
“I’m sorry. I made you worry about something unnecessary.”
Ultimately, the current situation amounted to poking Mikael’s wounds in an attempt to heal his own. When he apologized with a heavy heart, Mikael shook his head and remained silent. It seemed he intended to give Yohan more time to think.
Yohan accepted his generous consideration. In the quiet school at night, he was lost in thought for a while.
“…I am foolish.”
Mikael remained silent, even after he confessed. Seized by the feeling that he was talking to himself rather than to someone, the words came easily.
“…Even though I admit it’s my fault, I want to deny it again. It was me who held onto Cheplen out of selfishness when he wanted to leave. Because of me, he wavered like a candle in the wind, swayed by temptation. Even though I accepted that and admitted my guilt, hearing that Evil Gods Contractors were involved made me think that perhaps it wasn’t my fault after all, so I wanted to prove my innocence. I couldn’t suppress that feeling alone, so I grabbed you and asked.”
“…….”
“You’re right, Mikael. I saw Cheplen in you. I forced you to answer because if you told me it wasn’t my fault, it would feel like hearing it from him. I figured if I asked if I had made things hard for you, because I thought the you of now would say no. I was trying to use you.”
Yohan buried his face in his hands after saying everything he needed to say.
“I spoke so proudly and acted so noble in front of others. I said I didn’t hate, that I no longer resented. That I would only feel pity… But look at me now, Mikael. I’m a liar. I loathe myself like this.”
“…….”
“Why am I like this?”
Yohan gave a bitter smile.
He had never experienced such despair, not even in the dungeon where Cheplen had imprisoned him; it felt like he was tasting powerlessness and misery for the first time. Feeling as if the composure he had maintained was crumbling, he turned his head to look at Mikael. The once-lofty High Priest’s face was distorted.
Mikael, who had been silently watching without a change in expression as Yohan despaired–perhaps looking uglier than at the moment of his death, more confused than when he had fallen into the Nameless Realm, and with not a speck of holiness in sight–opened his mouth.
“That’s who you are.”
“…What?”
Only after asking did Yohan realize that he had been expecting comfort from Mikael. As he became even more troubled by this realization, Mikael, who faced him with a calm demeanor unlike the fragile Yohan, continued speaking.
“Yohan, who possesses neither duty nor status. I am saying that the being bearing that name is you now.”
“…Is this me?”
A fickle fool, without backbone, selfish, and sometimes so repulsive?
Yohan thought this to himself. Even though he hadn’t voiced it aloud, Mikael acted as if he had read every word in Yohan’s mind.
“Environment and responsibility destroy a person’s character and reshape it. The position of High Priest makes you noble, and the duty of being a messenger of God castrates your desires, but as long as you were born a human, your true nature as Yohan cannot match all those qualifications. That is only natural.”
“…….”
“That is why you are bound to be foolish at times, to make mistakes, and to feel joy even after experiencing sorrow. The joy, anger, worry, fear, love, hatred, and greed you feel are all due.”
“…Because I am human?”
“Yes. It is harder because you are trying to ignore emotions that naturally arise.”
“…….”
Although Mikael spoke calmly, Yohan teared up. He slowly held his breath. He felt as if his entire body were submerged in water, as though he had fallen into a lake.
Mikael took Yohan’s hand.
“Yohan. You became a priest at such a young age, and then rose to the position of High Priest. That is why you didn’t have time to wander or go through chaos. It is only possible for two beings to hate no one: either a sage who has realized everything, or a pure soul who does not yet know the world. Do you think you resolved not to hate when you fell into the Nameless Realm because you are a sage?”
“…No.”
“You are just getting to know yourself now. So keep wandering.”
He spoke simply and clearly. Even though it was not that simple, the words flowed out of his mouth as if it were an easy task. Yohan found it absurd; he parted his lips before continuing with a face full of worry and fear.
“But Mikael. What if I lose my way?”
“Then lose it.”
“What if I can never find it again?”
“That is a stretch.”
“…Even now, I sometimes feel like I’m walking in the dark. It feels like I’m running in an endless cycle. Even if I try to keep my mind calm, it doesn’t work, and if I am just wandering aimlessly right now… what am I supposed to do?”
I want to end this wandering…
It was hard to bear this mind, so confused, dizzy, and wretched. He didn’t want to make it his own, nor did he want to feel it for long. As Yohan desperately sought an answer, Mikael, who had been quietly watching the fragile human, smiled slowly.
It was a strange thing. Even though it was night, he felt as if the sun’s rays were shining down on Mikael.
Yohan inadvertently looked up. There was a sky above his head.
Ah…
Just as Yohan let out a short gasp of realization, an answer came back from Mikael.
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